A Submissive Wife's Journey

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Colossians 3:18

Permission — April 27, 2017
Untitled — April 14, 2017

Untitled

I messed up. Why do I take my frustration out on the man I love more than anything in my life? I am unsubmissive and selfish and prideful. No pity, please. I don’t deserve it.

He is right, and I am wrong. I deserve more punishment than ever. I put him through too much pain, more than any spanking could ever do to me.

What happens next? How do I be a better wife? When will I learn?

A Bare Bottom Ritual — April 11, 2017

A Bare Bottom Ritual

Why is nudity important in CDD? This blog by Christian Domestic Discipline outlines many reasons why a woman’s nudity makes a difference during discipline sessions.

In our process, I am fully clothed during my husband’s lecture. Sometimes he holds the implement–most often the riding crop–while he gives his lecture. Watching him flick the crop against his leg emphasizes to me the seriousness of the lecture.

After the lecture, I must stand and ready myself for the spanking. I bend over our bed against stacked pillows so that I am in a good position for him to administer the spanks. But before I bend, I must remove my pants and underwear or lift up my nightgown. The very act of showing my bare bottom is humbling. I feel vulnerable and overcome with a sense of simultaneous submission and dread. I feel small and hyper aware of my semi-nude state. As I bend over the bed and bury my head in the pillows, the coolness of the air emphasizes the events that are about to occur.

After the discipline, he puts away the crop while I remain in the same position. I don’t redress until he allows me to do so. As I’ve been receiving nightly spankings, he will rub lotion on my bottom and on the tops of my thighs. That is a raw sensation, but it is not sexual. As his motions heighten my awareness of his strength and masculinity, they also remind me that I must be submissive because as in 1 Corinthians 11:3, “the head of the woman is man.” His firm but kind hands rubbing lotion into my bare skin is an act of comfort as much as it is a reminder of the punishment I just received.

When I am allowed to cover myself, he comforts me again with the comfort of his embrace and kisses. These are gentle, loving kisses that reinforce his love. We end with a prayer to God as my husband asks our Father to bring peace to our lives, to release me of my pride and bad behavior, and to guide us in our marriage.

As I think through our process, or you might say, rituals, I think carefully about the physicality of it. I am half nude in front of my husband, but it is not a sexual nudity. Baring my bottom in preparation for discipline does not lead to sex in our CDD practices. Rather, my nude bottom represents vulnerability; it is a humbling act that brings me to a more submissive state while emphasizing that my husband is the head of me and of our household.

Come-to-Jesus Time —

Come-to-Jesus Time

The world is spinning slowly sky now. I’m so tired, but I feel compelled to share what’s been happening this week.

My husband and I had a come-to-Jesus meeting last Sunday. I’d been acting horrible, and he’d had enough. I’ll be receiving discipline for the next five weeks because of my behavior. What behavior, you might ask? Let me list a few examples:

  1. I refused to listen when he said I needed to calm down.
  2. I fought him about insignificant events to protect my pride.
  3. I allowed my insistence on being right to distract me from a day with him and the kids.
  4. I was a snotty brat for no reason at all.
  5. I mouthed off to him repeatedly.

So, my bottom felt the sting of the crop for five nights this week. I had been trying hard to calm myself and think before I spoke, but my pride still got in the way. 

He even tried to make the arrangements so our discipline sessions easier on me. When I was exhausted, he allowed me to take a nap after work. He put the kids to bed early. But he didn’t give me a pass on the night’s spanking.
Despite the sting of the leather and the faded welts on my rear end, I admire him for staying consistent. We’ve struggled with that in the past, but we’ve both agreed that CDD is a priority. But, as he emphasized, if I don’t make an improvement before the end of these five weeks, then he’ll be done with it. This is on my shoulders. He’ll make the accommodations that I need to help me with the routine of our days, but he’s not letting this sit. Rather, it will be difficult for me to sit until mid-May.

I’ve gotten a reprieve for the last two days because we’re out of town with the kids, and there will be a break from spankings when family visits later in the month. But just because I’m not receiving spanks doesn’t mean the discipline won’t happen. After a few argumentative hours last night, he told me that I’ll feel the consequences of that behavior on Sunday night. Discipline goes on, whether its a new form or that I’ll receive more discipline when life returns to tomorrow. That’s stuck with me since he told God during our prayer that he’d find another form to punish me if I behave badly when I cannot be spanked at the time. He’s serious, and I need to show him that I’m changing.

Until then, know that I am a work-in-progress with a lot of ground to make up.

Refocus — March 26, 2017

Refocus

Last night was my first discipline session in a while. My husband has been very patient since my father’s death, allowing me to grieve and take things slowly. But it was time to move forward last night. Not because my behavior has been deplorable, but because life does go on.

He made some very valid points during his lecture, points that were reasonable but not enjoyable to hear. I guess if they were pleasant to my ears, it would be a lecture, right?

I’ve been engrossing myself in work since Dad died. Frankly, it’s been easier to push myself harder in my job and focus on those tasks rather than facing that empty time with my thoughts. However, my addiction to work has distanced me from the family. My husband is right: the longer I stay at work, the less time I spend with him and the girls. It seems obvious, but the guilt is hard-hitting.

I made a promise to Dad before he died that I would lose weight and improve my health. I’m happy to say I’ve lost 10 pounds since since the middle of February by eating less and being more mindful of what I eat. But I haven’t ventured to the basement to exercise on the equipment my husband purchased at my request six months ago. While he emphasizes that he’s proud of my progress thus far, it upsets him that I’m not moving more.

I get it. He is logical and thoughtful in both his points. My reaction of frustration and hostility were uncalled for, and as he said, grounds for punishment even had we not already agreed that I was to receive a spanking.

The riding crop hurts. It stings and slaps, and not being spanked in four weeks makes that crop’s bite even sharper. I’m not sure how many spanks I received, not more than 20, and he rubbed my bottom to encourage blood flow afterwards, which did help after the spanks stopped. He most often chooses the crop because it doesn’t bruise my skin like a paddle and doesn’t leave the deep welts of a switch. Still, when it meets the skin of my bottom–or what’s worse, my upper thighs–the punishment is real. Receiving the crop does not mean the punishment is light or easier despite the fewer marks left on my skin.

I take his lecture and punishment to heart, so I’ve made two goals for the week:

  1. Arrive home from work before 6:30 each night, barring any last-minute meetings I am required to attend.
  2. Exercise for 15 minutes at least 3 times this week.

These aren’t outrageous goals. He might say I’m being lenient, and I’ll need to adjust them based on that response. However, they are reasonable steps for which I can be accountable this week.

The Darkness — February 26, 2017

The Darkness

It’s been a rough few weeks. My husband and I were on track to continue Christian domestic discipline. We were navigating the challenges of discipline with children around, trying to figure out how to be quiet. The resolution has been to go to the basement after the kids go to bed. But then my brother-in-law came to stay with us and stayed in the basement. That ended our routine, and then I got sick and ended up in the ER.

And then the darkness happened. We made a rush trip to visit my father and he passed later that week. The grief is overwhelming. When we returned home, my brother-in-law was still here. I’ve been sleeping a lot to combat the grief. My husband is my rock, letting me rest as much as I need to. I have feelings of guilt as well – guilt about my absence with him and with our children. I’m told it’ll get better, but right now, I don’t know.

We’ve talked about returning to CDD, and life at the house is getting back to a routine. I know we’ll return to it. I think it will help, to give me a feeling of stability. It’s just a long, dark process.

5 Spanks In — January 27, 2017

5 Spanks In

Well, I’ve received discipline for the past 5 nights. I can’t say it’s been easy, but I’m not in too much pain nowadays just uncomfortable. My husband has been using a small paddle covered in leather. We ran into a problem the first night because we were concerned that our older students heard the smacks in our room, so we moved to the basement. Laying over the side of a chair is a different experience than on the side of the bed. My behind is higher in the air now, and I am even more exposed now. Also, the lectures and sessions feel different in the basement, not as severe or stern as they do in the bedroom. We’ve ordered a flogger that should be quieter, allowing us to move back upstairs.

That being said, I believe it is starting to save our marriage. While we’re not through with our first week yet, I feel like I’m being more respectful. I’m not mouthing off in the morning like I was doing on a daily basis. I feel closer to him right now.

We had a discussion. Last night that was telling. It was after 10 p.m., and he hadn’t told me that I needed to go down to the basement. I asked him, and he shared that he was conflicted. He didn’t feel like I’d done anything to deserve a major discipline session, but her also felt like I needed maintenance. He told me that although it was his ultimate decision, he wanted feedback from me about how I felt. I told him the same: that I didn’t feel my behavior had been bad, but I would feel like he’s truly committed to CDD if he carried out a maintenance session because we’ve struggled with consistency in the past. He agreed and directed me to go downstairs.

Before he started, he told me that he was committed, like he’s said in the past, and that he’s serious about this. He recognizes that he will have to answer to God because he is the head of the house. I have to answer to him and God. Hearing him say that really helped me see why we are starting this journey again. It is about fixing my poor behavior but also about our relationship with God. By doing this, we are showing our understanding of our roles as husband and wife and showing that we want God to lead us down a better path than what we have been doing, “we” meaning me in terms of how I respect my husband and my family.

How to Complicate My Marriage — January 23, 2017
Starting Over — January 22, 2017

Starting Over

Another move, a purchased home, a new job, a dying father, a mental illness.

That’s what we’ve been dealing with since my last post. It certainly hasn’t been easy, and our marriage has suffered for it.

The key to understanding these stressors is that I don’t handle them well. My husband is the ultimate planner–an analytical man who likes to plan two days, two months, even two years ahead. I’m of the other opinion: what happens will happen, and I don’t want to address the challenges in between. Frankly, I don’t handle stress well, and I lash out at the ones I love more than ever when I’m feeling pressure.

My husband bears the brunt of my panic attacks, criticism, and anger. I come to him in sorrow and remorse afterwards, but that doesn’t erase the words I spit at him when I react that way. I admit my wrongdoings, my unacceptable behavior now–and this makes me uncomfortable to write. However, I have to change.

Because of my behavior, we’ve not ventured back to Christian domestic discipline consistently in the past seven months. At times, my husband has responded to my outrageous behavior and attitude by saying that he’s not going to enact CDD anymore. Understandably so. He points out that it’s difficult to carry out punishments when I feel sick (irrational hypochondria), am distraught, or am just in a terrible mood.

I get that. I understand his points. But perhaps being disciplined during those moments is the best thing for me. Maybe that discipline–or the dread before it happens–will help mold me into the submissive wife I say I want to become.

He’s asked me to read more about CDD and return to the first reason we approached this lifestyle: to bring harmony and peace to our marriage and to our home. While we broached this conversation today, I know that we need to go back to the basics. Returning to the rules and expectations will reset the course upon which we first began.

So I’ll be reflecting on Colossians 3:18 once again: Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Let me offer this prayer: Heavenly Father, forgive me for my sins against you, against my husband, and against my family. Open my heart to change, my mind to submission, and my actions to healing. Help us to renew the vows that we said before you, and help me to honor my husband as you have instructed me to do. Thank you for the blessings that you have brought, help me to embrace those blessings as I move forward. Amen.

Kirk Cameron & The News — May 3, 2016

Kirk Cameron & The News

Well, according to WordPress, it’s been 173 days since my last post. Wow. Sorry, folks!

But today seems like the ideal day to start posting again. First of all, my family has made significant changes in the last six months. I left my job, and we moved across the country. I had a job lined up but it didn’t work out, so I have been jobless since December. This has been a terrible few months because of how hard it’s been getting rejection after rejection. Now I’ve been getting lots of interviews and bites, but there’s still not an official offer on the table yet. I’d appreciate prayers on this, if you’re so willing.

My husband and I took a break from CDD before the move, mostly because it wasn’t producing results and I was incredibly stressed. Then we moved into a townhouse, making it difficult to implement CDD when you have kids who can hear a pin drop a block away. I didn’t bring up CDD for a long time. He asked me about why I hadn’t said anything, and I told him that it wasn’t the time and that I assumed we weren’t doing it anymore.

But then I brought it up on Saturday. We started today slowly, but it was during intimacy as well. No matter the situation, we’re starting over and I fully expect to be disciplined if I do not submit to my husband.

This brings me to the title of my post. Kirk Cameron, Growing Pains alum and a vocal conservative Christian, is in the news for what he said at a conference about wives following their husbands. His message is Biblical: “For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.” Ephesians 5:22-24

In fact, Cameron didn’t even use the word submit. He talked about honor and respect. Here’s a link to the critical article. It’s an interesting read. I wonder what you think?