A Submissive Wife's Journey

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Colossians 3:18

5 Spanks In — January 27, 2017

5 Spanks In

Well, I’ve received discipline for the past 5 nights. I can’t say it’s been easy, but I’m not in too much pain nowadays just uncomfortable. My husband has been using a small paddle covered in leather. We ran into a problem the first night because we were concerned that our older students heard the smacks in our room, so we moved to the basement. Laying over the side of a chair is a different experience than on the side of the bed. My behind is higher in the air now, and I am even more exposed now. Also, the lectures and sessions feel different in the basement, not as severe or stern as they do in the bedroom. We’ve ordered a flogger that should be quieter, allowing us to move back upstairs.

That being said, I believe it is starting to save our marriage. While we’re not through with our first week yet, I feel like I’m being more respectful. I’m not mouthing off in the morning like I was doing on a daily basis. I feel closer to him right now.

We had a discussion. Last night that was telling. It was after 10 p.m., and he hadn’t told me that I needed to go down to the basement. I asked him, and he shared that he was conflicted. He didn’t feel like I’d done anything to deserve a major discipline session, but her also felt like I needed maintenance. He told me that although it was his ultimate decision, he wanted feedback from me about how I felt. I told him the same: that I didn’t feel my behavior had been bad, but I would feel like he’s truly committed to CDD if he carried out a maintenance session because we’ve struggled with consistency in the past. He agreed and directed me to go downstairs.

Before he started, he told me that he was committed, like he’s said in the past, and that he’s serious about this. He recognizes that he will have to answer to God because he is the head of the house. I have to answer to him and God. Hearing him say that really helped me see why we are starting this journey again. It is about fixing my poor behavior but also about our relationship with God. By doing this, we are showing our understanding of our roles as husband and wife and showing that we want God to lead us down a better path than what we have been doing, “we” meaning me in terms of how I respect my husband and my family.

How to Complicate My Marriage — January 23, 2017
Starting Over — January 22, 2017

Starting Over

Another move, a purchased home, a new job, a dying father, a mental illness.

That’s what we’ve been dealing with since my last post. It certainly hasn’t been easy, and our marriage has suffered for it.

The key to understanding these stressors is that I don’t handle them well. My husband is the ultimate planner–an analytical man who likes to plan two days, two months, even two years ahead. I’m of the other opinion: what happens will happen, and I don’t want to address the challenges in between. Frankly, I don’t handle stress well, and I lash out at the ones I love more than ever when I’m feeling pressure.

My husband bears the brunt of my panic attacks, criticism, and anger. I come to him in sorrow and remorse afterwards, but that doesn’t erase the words I spit at him when I react that way. I admit my wrongdoings, my unacceptable behavior now–and this makes me uncomfortable to write. However, I have to change.

Because of my behavior, we’ve not ventured back to Christian domestic discipline consistently in the past seven months. At times, my husband has responded to my outrageous behavior and attitude by saying that he’s not going to enact CDD anymore. Understandably so. He points out that it’s difficult to carry out punishments when I feel sick (irrational hypochondria), am distraught, or am just in a terrible mood.

I get that. I understand his points. But perhaps being disciplined during those moments is the best thing for me. Maybe that discipline–or the dread before it happens–will help mold me into the submissive wife I say I want to become.

He’s asked me to read more about CDD and return to the first reason we approached this lifestyle: to bring harmony and peace to our marriage and to our home. While we broached this conversation today, I know that we need to go back to the basics. Returning to the rules and expectations will reset the course upon which we first began.

So I’ll be reflecting on Colossians 3:18 once again: Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Let me offer this prayer: Heavenly Father, forgive me for my sins against you, against my husband, and against my family. Open my heart to change, my mind to submission, and my actions to healing. Help us to renew the vows that we said before you, and help me to honor my husband as you have instructed me to do. Thank you for the blessings that you have brought, help me to embrace those blessings as I move forward. Amen.

Kirk Cameron & The News — May 3, 2016

Kirk Cameron & The News

Well, according to WordPress, it’s been 173 days since my last post. Wow. Sorry, folks!

But today seems like the ideal day to start posting again. First of all, my family has made significant changes in the last six months. I left my job, and we moved across the country. I had a job lined up but it didn’t work out, so I have been jobless since December. This has been a terrible few months because of how hard it’s been getting rejection after rejection. Now I’ve been getting lots of interviews and bites, but there’s still not an official offer on the table yet. I’d appreciate prayers on this, if you’re so willing.

My husband and I took a break from CDD before the move, mostly because it wasn’t producing results and I was incredibly stressed. Then we moved into a townhouse, making it difficult to implement CDD when you have kids who can hear a pin drop a block away. I didn’t bring up CDD for a long time. He asked me about why I hadn’t said anything, and I told him that it wasn’t the time and that I assumed we weren’t doing it anymore.

But then I brought it up on Saturday. We started today slowly, but it was during intimacy as well. No matter the situation, we’re starting over and I fully expect to be disciplined if I do not submit to my husband.

This brings me to the title of my post. Kirk Cameron, Growing Pains alum and a vocal conservative Christian, is in the news for what he said at a conference about wives following their husbands. His message is Biblical: “For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.” Ephesians 5:22-24

In fact, Cameron didn’t even use the word submit. He talked about honor and respect. Here’s a link to the critical article. It’s an interesting read. I wonder what you think?

Two Months — November 11, 2015

Two Months

It’s been two months since my last post…

Oops!

Life has been crazy here. We’re moving cross-country in just over a month, and I’ve been on th job hunt like mad. I’ve found one, but I’m still hoping and praying for something better.

My husband and I have been doing CDD sporadically, mostly because I’ve been so stressed. Now we’re back on a weekly maintenance plan and have started talking about it more.

The good news is that we haven’t been arguing as much as before. This summer was awful, but now we’re starting to talk and listen rather than yell, especially around the kids. Oh, we still bicker and have issues at times, mostly because of my frustration and overreactions. Yet, the improvements are making me happier, despite all the stress of my current job, moving, and life. 

Thank you, Lord, for blessing my family.

Begin Again — September 11, 2015

Begin Again

After a brief hiatus, I’m back and we’re on track to start CDD again. I received a maintenance spanking on Tuesday. I’d nearly forgotten how much sting a rod has. We talked about doing it again last night, but my husband said I hadn’t done anything to really warrant a discipline session.

He’s brought up a good point several times. He often questions when is the right time for these sessions. I get tired very easily and am almost always ready to go to sleep once the kids are settled in their own beds. I also have some health issues that don’t always leave me feeling well. 

So, my husband questions if he should discipline me or not when these situations occur. We’ve talked about how he should do it (if warranted) at any time unless I’m vomiting or have a fever. He’s woken me up once to discipline me. While that certainly wasn’t fun, it was deserved. 

I’m of the opinion that he should discipline me no matter what, even if I’m in a terrible mood or battling a depressive episode. However, he struggles with this. How can I support him and help him make these decisions? As a submissive wife, I need to encourage him. I’m just not sure how to do that in this case.

A Quick Post — August 31, 2015
Wake-Up Call — August 4, 2015

Wake-Up Call

My bottom smarts today. Really bad, and I know it’s going to continue to hurt for many days.

You see, I’ve been bad. Not just bad. Horrible. Terrible. Unbearable. Pretty much any adjective that goes along with “bitch,” “crazy lady,” or “out-of-control whench.” Nothing that goes with submissive wife.

You see, I picked some serious, serious fights with my husband about 10 days ago, and it got out of control. I was coming off my meds, but I was also just plain angry. I was pissed and I said and did some things that I deeply regret. The worst part is that the kids heard. I will be trying to make those vivid memories go away for a long time. They may never go away, actually.

To say that I feel guilty is not enough. I’ve asked for forgiveness and am going to continue to do so. My marriage is on the line if I don’t make changes quickly. And I’ve made that promise to do so. It can’t just be a promise. It has to be action.

To help me with this, I’ve asked my husband to break me into submission. I’ve given him full permission to discipline me in any way he sees fit, and we’ve talked about using a code word to use in front of others so that I know when I’m walking on thin ice.

To begin, I was laying in bed half asleep last night when he came in and told me to get ready. He was so stern and serious, I knew this was the beginning of it all. He gave me a few minutes to wake up and then brought out the wooden paddle. I’m not sure how many spanks he gave me. I was crying and in pain after only six, and then I lost track. I had to bite down on the pillow to keep from crying out, and I kept pushing myself up to try to stop. But he kept telling me to lay back down. I also kept putting my hand back to protect my bottom. He didn’t let up.

Then he put me in the bathroom and forced me to drink a full teaspoon of jalapeño fire sauce. He forbade me to drink anything. He left me in the bathroom, but before long I vomited several times. My mouth felt like it was on fire even after I got sick, but I didn’t drink any water.

Once he let me out of the bathroom, I had to sit on the bed and listen to a lecture. He explained how much I had hurt him and how badly we need to fix our marriage. And it comes down to me making choices to fix things, keep my mouth shut, and learn to submit wholly to him and God. There is no fooling around anymore. It is now my mission to become a submissive wife for my husband, my family, and for the Lord.

As my husband hugged and kissed me good night, he asked me if I was serious and committed to this. I know it’s going to be difficult, and I’m going to face painful discipline as we move forward, but I’ve never been more serious about a promise other than the day we took our wedding vows.

Proverbs 6:23 – “For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life.”

Waiting in the Rain — August 3, 2015

Waiting in the Rain

I’m stuck in the car waiting to pick up my husband at the airport. It’s almost midnight, and I am so ready to see him! He left early this morning, so it hasn’t been 24 hours, but we’ve had such a rough couple of weeks that I don’t like being away from him for even this long.

On Friday I bought a book about being your husband’s help meet. This term comes from Genesis 2:18 – “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.'” I had heard of the term before but had written it off as part of my past life as a non-submissive woman. (Not that I’ve succeeded as a submissive wife, but I’m in a much different place now.) I skimmed through the table of contents and think it’ll be an interesting read. Maybe it will help me open up my soul even more toward wifely submission.

As I’ve mentioned, we’ve had some rough weeks and even contemplated walking away from the CDD lifestyle. We’re not going to do that, but I have to work very hard to show that I’m committed and submissive. My actions have to speak louder than my words. I’m ready to do so, and I’m craving discipline. I really am. I need it to set me straight and refocus. But it’s his decision.

Not Done Yet — July 29, 2015

Not Done Yet

My husband and I still have a lot of talking to do, but we’ve decided we’re not done with submissiveness and CDD. But the ball is in my court, so to speak. My actions have to speak louder than my words. If I feel I’m not going to be submissive, then I need to walk away, take a break, shut my mouth.

I understand this concept completely. I’ve written about my pride before, and I know that it’ll come up again. I have to lose this pride in order to truly become submissive. And that means that I have to learn to act submissive, not just think submissive thoughts or submit to discipline sessions.

I’ve told my husband before that I need him to “break me” of my pride and bad behavior. What I mean by this is for him to take control of everything, and it also means that I must be punished for every infraction. I still agree with what I’ve told him. He needs to “break” me, but I also need to “break” myself. He is the head of our household; he is my leader. As Ephesians 5:23-24 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” But it’s not just his responsibility to make me submit or to guide me and our family. It is my responsibility to follow God’s words and submit on my own, not for any other reason than that it is what God deems holy and by doing so I am giving my husband the ultimate honor, respect, and love.

It’s not going to be easy, but things are making more sense each day. I pray that I can walk this path toward submission and move forward with my husband. And I pray that if I falter, he will guide me back onto the path with the appropriate actions. To me, and people may disagree, submission and CDD are connected. I’ve written about it before, but I feel more submissive if my husband disciplines me. I love that he loves me enough to discipline me when I’m misbehaving because I want to be corrected. That may not make sense to some people, but it just works in my brain. I want the correction. I don’t like it, obviously, because it is painful and uncomfortable, but I need it, especially as I am committing to taking more action to be submissive.

My husband has mixed feelings about the discipline sessions. He doesn’t like causing me pain, but he has read a lot about it and understands that this is part of CDD. I see a connection between what he has to do when he disciplines me and what I have to do when I need to be submissive. It may not feel comfortable or natural for either of us, but we are doing it for the good of our marriage.