A Submissive Wife's Journey

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Colossians 3:18

The Real Work Begins — June 29, 2015

The Real Work Begins

Last night marked the last night of our 14-Day Discipline Sessions. It wasn’t an easy session because, as my husband explained, three spanks aren’t enough to remember what you have learned. Even though my bottom hurt desperately, I agree.

After I calmed down, we discussed the next steps. My husband and I have a lot of expectations for me from now on. These 14 sessions have been deficit and punishment spankings. And they will not be soon forgotten. Now, as we move forward, there will be more significant punishments because we are truly committed to the CDD lifestyle.

My husband talked about how my behavior will dictate those punishments. I may not always get spanked. Punishments he mentioned were bathroom time for an hour, no Facebook for a week, and no Diet Coke. As I continue to misbehave, the punishments will grow longer and be more severe.

This sounds strict, but he made an excellent point. When we take away privileges from our children because of their misbehavior (we don’t spank them), those privileges go away for longer and more privileges are taken away if they continue that behavior. That’s the same technique he needs to use with me. Yes, I am an adult but I am under his authority, and I must submit to that authority.

Then we talked about submission. I am reminded of Ephesians 5:22-32:
22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.

We talked about verses 22-24 a lot. In order to follow the Lord’s word, I must submit to my husband because the Lord has given him authority in the household. As a Christian, I submit to the Lord as my Heavenly Father, but I also submit to my husband because he answers to the Lord as the head of our household. He makes the decisions in our household based on what the Lord teaches through Scripture and prayer. I am allowed to talk to my husband about decisions; he welcomes me to do so. However, my husband is the one who makes the final decisions. By submitting to his decisions, I am also submitting to the Lord.

Almost Finished. — June 28, 2015

Almost Finished.

Faith Ephesians MarriageAlmost three weeks ago, my husband told me that I was going to receive 14 days of discipline because my behavior had been unacceptable for the past month. This was also an opportunity for us to get on track with CDD and to show our commitment to this lifestyle.

Now, we have just one day left. Life took precedence over some of the discipline sessions, so we’ve been behind. However, it’s never been far from my mind that I am well-deserving of what he calls “deficit spankings.” Some of these discipline sessions have included more than just spankings, including bathroom time, tabasco sauce, and loss of privileges. Some of the spankings have been worse than others. He’s used a paddle, a rod, and a thin piece of plastic. None of these have been easy to take.

But now, as tonight is the last night of our 14-day discipline sessions, I’m reflecting on what I’ve learned. Some of this is obvious, but these past weeks have touched my soul and hopefully are leading me to a more submissive life.

First, the pain of the discipline is not as bad as the pain that my husband feels when he has to discipline me. He’s told me that before, and I believe him. My behavior can be hurtful and unacceptable, and I shouldn’t act so defiantly against the man I love the most on earth.

Second, being forced to think and repent is almost worse than the pain of a spanking. I hate bathroom time because I have no choice but to be left with my thoughts. I’ve started to overcome these feelings by talking to God and asking for His help and forgiveness. A blog reader, C for Now, also gave me the good idea that instead of talking to God about what I’ve done wrong, I should talk to Him about what I am thankful for. This is something I will work on.

Third, my pride gets in the way of our relationship. A lot. I have been trying to keep quiet when my husband and I bicker, purposefully not trying to have the last word. I have failed at this quite often, but I’m mindful of it more than ever. I want this to continue to grow.

Fourth, I love my children more than they know. They’re all with their other parents this summer for a time, and I miss them deeply. With all the hate and unrest in this country right now, I want them home with my husband and me so that we can protect them, love them, and show them God’s teachings.

Finally, God’s word is true. I keep going back to Colossians 3:18: Wives submit to your husbands, as is fitting to the Lord. This morning part of our pastor’s sermon was about not doing gymnastics with God’s word. Disobeying or ignoring Colossians 3:18 and other verses that talk about wives’ submission to their husbands would be doing just that. My husband is the head of this household, and I am honoring God by following the decisions that he makes.

So, tonight is the last night of the “deficit spankings.” We’ve already discussed that there will be maintenance at least once a week, and I expect that I’ll need it more than that at first. We talked about every three days, and I think that sounds more realistic as these maintenance spankings help me stay on track and remind me to be submissive. Then, of course, there will be discipline sessions if I misbehave. It is my hope that these sessions will become less and less, but I know right now that I need those too.

Romans 12:2 – Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Love — June 26, 2015

Love

This post isn’t about submission, per se. It’s about the love I have for my husband.

You see, this week has been really tough on me. Work has been almost unbearable because of some unnecessary drama, and I’ve felt like a failure. As a perfectionist, I don’t like screwing up. I took over a management position in February, and I didn’t receive the training I should have. That’s not an excuse. It’s just a fact. I’ve had to let employees go, and I’ve had some difficulties with the administrative portion of this job. I want to do a good job. I pride myself on doing good work. That’s why I beat myself up when I recognize that I’ve made mistakes. I try not to make excuses for those mistakes, though. I own them. So, this week has been a lot of admitting that I’ve messed up. Not fun.

But then there’s my husband waiting for me at home. He wants so desperately to protect me from disrespect and people who hurt me. He gets angry when he knows that people have done me wrong. I, on the other hand, try to run from those problems. But he hasn’t let me run this week.

I’ve cried on his shoulder, I’ve vented, and I’ve gotten snippy with him, but he still loves me. He knows that I can do this job, and he wants me to succeed. We’re not happy where we’re living and we have plans to move, but until then, he wants me to make the best out of the situation.

Throughout this awful week, we haven’t fought. I’ve made a concerted effort to understand his anger and frustration, and I’ve tried not to take it personally. He tells me over and over again that he isn’t angry with me. He’s angry at the situation. That comforts me.

And that’s just one of the reasons why I love him. He has been my rock this week. He’s told me when I can break down and when I need to be strong. That is love. He knows me better than I know myself some times, and that helps me move forward through this.

He also reminds me that I need to pray to God to give me strength. So that’s what I’d like to do now.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for giving me such a loving husband. We don’t always agree, and we are so different in so many ways, but we love each other. We’re working through our issues, and I ask that you heal the hurt that we’ve caused each other. Please guide us through CDD and help me to follow your words to be a submissive wife to him. Please bless us and our three children so that we can have a good life.

And also, dear Lord, please give me strength to move past this week at work. Please help me to forgive those who have hurt me and to put the past behind me. Please let next week be better, and please help me to be a good boss.

Thank you, Lord, for your many gifts, and thank you for your continued love that you shower upon me and my family.

In your gracious name. Amen.

And I Cried — June 23, 2015

And I Cried

My husband read yesterday’s post (My Sinful Behavior) and agreed wholeheartedly. I had misbehaved and damaged my marriage. For that I am still ashamed. Still, after last night’s discipline session, I do feel a sense of relief and peace.

I wasn’t surprised when he brought out the paddle. We had been using the rod, which stings in a different way, but the paddle is reserved for serious infractions. It hurts deep, like I’ve mentioned before, and I can’t handle as many spanks as I probably deserve. But he warned me that it would be a severe session last night. I would have to swallow hot sauce and stand in the corner after my spanking, he told me. That made me dread the session even more, but I steeled myself for what was to come.

I don’t know how many spanks he delivered. I just remember sobbing into the pillow and squirming to get away. I put my hand back once to protect myself, but I knew better than to leave it there. After I could take no more, I had a feeling that my husband thought I deserved more than that, but thankfully he moved on to the next phase.

He left me on the bed to compose myself and got the hot sauce. I had to swallow an entire spoonful, which made me gag. Then he sent me to the bathroom to repent. He told me to pray to God for forgiveness and strength, and that’s what I did.

I think I sobbed through half of my bathroom time. I begged God to forgive me and to help me be a better wife, mother, and person, even a better worker. I could barely get the words out through my tears, but I kept whispering, “Heal me. Heal me. Take away the pain and anger.” I hope God listened to my prayer because it was the most heartfelt one I’ve given in a very long time.

Then I felt a sense of calmness come over me. I stopped crying but continued to talk to God. Our air conditioner isn’t working well so the bathroom was stifling, but I still talked to God about wanting to be better. I recited Colossians 3:18 – Wives submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting to the Lord. That is my mantra for my journey toward submission.

After 20 minutes–which felt like an hour–my husband let me out of the bathroom and told me to sit on the bed. He told me he still wasn’t done with me yet. I am not allowed to use Facebook or any social media until Wednesday night, and I am not allowed to have a Diet Coke today. The no-diet-soda rule is more difficult to follow than avoiding social media. Still, I’m respecting my husband’s authority and following his rules. I had to get on Facebook to post something to my work’s page, but I asked him first.

In all the time that we’ve practiced CDD, I think this is the longest punishment that I’ve received. But, I think I probably deserved more. During our prayer last night, my husband stumbled over his words and told God that he felt he should have punished me more. That hurt to hear him say that; I felt like I had disappointed him in some way because I couldn’t bear any more spanks. Still, the punishment is lasting throughout today, and I cannot forget his warnings that if something like Sunday night happens again, I will be in the bathroom for 40 minutes and the rest of the punishment will be much more severe.

So here we go again. I took several steps backwards in my journey to submission, but I want it to work. As I prayed to God last night, I begged Him to heal me and help my marriage. I love my husband so much, and I want to improve our lives.

My Sinful Behavior — June 22, 2015

My Sinful Behavior

This weekend was our first weekend without the kids since the end of December. While I very much enjoyed it, I missed them immensely. It’s amazing how a lot of the time I just want silence, but when it comes, I miss the chatter of my precious children.

This weekend also marked two days without discipline sessions. Saturday night I was so tired that my husband let me sleep instead of implementing discipline. I’m grateful for that. Even though I’d slept extra late in the day, my medication makes me tired and I needed rest.

Last night was a different story. My husband and I had a nice Father’s Day together. I know he missed the children, but we went to church and out to lunch. I took a nap in the afternoon, and he mentioned that he felt lonely, so I curled up on the couch with him to read from Numbers. It was a peaceful hour.

But then things took a turn for the worse. I had casually mentioned wanting another child a few weeks ago, but we never fully discussed it. I’ve since changed my mind because I want to give the best life we can for our three children, and that includes financial benefits. Also, there is a lot of drama in my own family right now. It’s enough information for several posts, but basically it boils down to my mother trying to control my life and I don’t know how to handle it. Bringing another baby into the family just doesn’t make sense right now. My husband agrees.

Then, like I often do, I turned the conversation into an argument about my mother. I honestly don’t know what happened. One minute my husband and I were talking, and the next minute I was angry and frustrated. So much so that I started screaming uncontrollably. He held my head because he was afraid I was going to hurt myself. It was awful.

I don’t know where this anger comes from. I am truly ashamed of my behavior. I love my husband more than any person in this world, but somehow I always end up hurting him. He was devastated by my actions. I still am. It was an awful hour. I ended up taking another Klonopin to help calm down and fell asleep. I woke up around 1:30 to find myself in an empty bed. He had fallen asleep in the chair out in the living room, something that makes me feel so empty and alone. He didn’t do it intentionally, I know that, but I don’t sleep well without him next to me. Still, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be next to me based on my earlier behavior.

Now, as I think back to the incident, I think I can draw a connection to the lack of discipline sessions and my behavior last night. CDD helps me remember my place in the family. My husband once told me that the discipline he inflicts on me doesn’t hurt half as bad as what I do to him. That is a wake-up call.

So now I’m thinking about how I can broach this subject with him tonight. I deserve a severe session on top of the deficit spankings I’ve been missing. And the strange thing is, I yearn for that spanking. Feeling the pain of what I’ve done will help me remember why submission is so important to us. I know I misbehaved and I know I hurt my husband, so I deserve to be reminded of what I’ve done.

Revelation 3:19 – Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent.

Father’s Day —

Father’s Day

Father’s Day is different this year. All our children are with their respective other parents, so my husband and I have spent the day alone. It’s quiet in this house. Too quiet. “A” has only been gone 48 hours, and my daughter has been gone for three weeks. No matter the length of their absences, I miss these girls so much. Some days I crave silence when their little voices get to be too much, but now, as they’re both gone for weeks at a time, I wish I could hear their laughter and questions more than anything right now.

But, we’ve still celebrated Father’s Day today by going to church and lunch. Right now our church is studying Nehemiah who built the wall around Jerusalem in 52 days “for the glory of God and to the benefit of others.” Our pastors have described Nehemiah’s work as the burden that he felt upon his soul. They then ask what is our burden? What burden is on my heart “for the glory of God and to the benefit of others”? I think my biggest burden is to be a better wife and mother.

The pastors talk about the resistance and “burden killers” who will try to make you lose your focus from fulfilling your burden. There are so many for me. As I’ve mentioned before I don’t tell people that I am practicing submission and have a CDD relationship with my husband. I don’t have the confidence that people will understand our marriage. Still, as the Nehemiah series has explained, it’s important for me to have an inner circle of people I can trust to help me fulfill my burdens. My inner circle is small but infinitely strong: God and my husband.

So today was a pretty laid-back Father’s Day, but I am reminded of my inner circle and how thankful I am for them both. I’m thankful that God shown me infinite grace and loves me despite my many faults and sins. And I am thankful for my husband who seems to know me better than I know myself a lot of the time. He knows when I’m happy and when I’m sad, when I’m struggling with depression and when I’m happy. I love him, and I submit to him as his wife.

Anxiety — June 19, 2015

Anxiety

Someone is vacuuming the air out of my chest right now. My chest cavity is caving in, and my legs are filling with cement. My scalp itches and my mind is turning.

The anxiety is palpable.

I didn’t think that being a submissive wife would wipe away all of my problems. I didn’t consider that life would be perfect once my husband and I started CDD. But I did hope – I still hope – for a life that’s just a little better than before. My new meds are starting to work. I can feel the chemicals bonding together in my brain to mend the synapses and slow their rapid fire. But I’m still not better yet.

Last night we started Session 9 of our discipline sessions again. We both agreed that it would be best to start again because we don’t want to lose the momentum of what we’ve gained as a couple over the past two weeks. We called it a maintenance spanking. It was brief, but the rod still stung as it hit my bruised bottom. I think my husband delivered 15 spanks total, and I sobbed as the last few hit my sore skin.

I think the emotional pain was worse than the physical sting last night. I’ve been a mess for the past five days because of the med changes, and even though each day is getting better, I want to feel better now. However, despite my mood shifts and weepiness, I do feel like I’m being better at submission. I am not fighting with my husband like I was before, and I am listening to his words more carefully.

Most importantly, I’m praying more frequently. The best thing my husband and I do together after a discipline session is say a prayer. He asks God to give us both strength and to heal our marriage. His words dwell deep in my soul; they’re even stronger than the lectures or discipline that he implements.

I am still reading my Bible every day (currently in Numbers, Chapter 19), and I’m seeking out other Bible verses to help me through this journey. My goal is to draw closer to God and to live not just as a submissive wife but as a Godly woman. I’m not there yet, but of course, this is a journey.

Matthew 17:20 – He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “Move from here to there” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

And We Begin Again —

And We Begin Again

Today is the first day since Sunday that I’ve felt like myself again. As I’ve explained before (see A Hopeful Appointment and Struggling), my life has been upturned since last Friday because of a new diagnosis replacing my original Bipolar II disorder. I’m now detoxing from meds that I’ve been on for years and years, and I feel like all the chemicals are coming out of my eyeballs in tears.

So, we’ve put a hold on my 14-day discipline sessions since I’ve not been in my right mind lately. My husband recognizes how much pain I’m already in, and he doesn’t want to aggravate my illness by pushing me too far too fast. I thought I was ready to begin again last night, but I had a mini-breakdown after dinner and was sent to bed. I had told my husband that I didn’t want to lose our momentum, and he agreed, but my mental health has to come first.

So that brings us to today. I’ve now got an additional five days of discipline sessions waiting for me, but I am willing to submit to them. It’s strange. Most people would probably say that they’d do anything to avoid a discipline session like I receive, but I feel secure when my husband takes me in hand. It sounds strange, I know. I don’t believe I’m a masochist; I just believe that I feel safer when my husband takes care of me, when he is the strong head of household, when he does things that must be done because I have broken a rule or failed to submit.

I recognize the majority of people won’t understand what I’m saying. They probably think I’m an abomination of a 21st century woman, an embarrassment to my generation. I don’t have the courage (yet) to tell people I know that I am a submissive wife in a CDD relationship. After all, that’s why I don’t use my own name on this blog. But the messages are real. I’m opening up my heart to this process.

Now after five days of feeling miserable and in a deep depression, I’m finally hopeful that the medications will start me on a new path and will help me be a better, healthier person. That path can only help me become a better, more submissive wife and a more loving mother.

Deuteronomy 31:6 – Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you: He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Thinking — June 17, 2015

Thinking

I am at the airport, which seems to be my second home this week. This part of my job is hard as I am supposed to be cheery and welcoming to my new visitors and help them get comfortable in their new surroundings. 

But all I want to do is curl up in a ball in bed and sleep until these awful withdrawal symptoms go away. The doctor hasn’t called back, but I have a feeling that he’ll tell me I just need to power through and be strong. I hope it’s worth it. The Klonopin seems to be helping, but the sucking dark hole feeling isn’t going away.

My husband continues to be supportive, but I can’t help but think if I’m giving him too much to handle. Plus, my stepdaughter leaves on Friday to go to her biological mother’s house for a few weeks. I’ll miss her terribly, and I feel guilty that I have not been able to spend more time with her. I just hugged her last night and repeated that I love her and told her I think of her as my daughter. That’s as much as I can do right now. That guilt is overwhelming.

I got a reprieve again last night because of my mental state. My husband, God bless him, is learning when I can’t handle discipline because of my mental disorder. I asked him for the reprieve, and he agreed. Maybe as the submissive I shouldn’t have approached him about it, but I felt like I would fall apart if there was a discipline session and it wouldn’t do its job. I’m going to try my hardest to agree to it tonight.

Psalm 34:18–“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

A Reprieve — June 16, 2015

A Reprieve

Last night should have been Session 10, but I’ve been so sick from the withdrawal symptoms of my meds that my husband granted me a reprieve. I am so thankful for him. He has been kind and encouraging thought this process, and I wouldn’t be able to handle it without him.

But, despite not experiencing discipline last night, I am still trying to be a submissive wife. Despite my sickness and mental anguish, there is no reason for me to bite back, roll my eyes, or be sarcastic. It’s not worth upsetting my husband when he is being so kind and supportive. I believe this is part of my transformation as a submissive wife. Even though I have been crying into his shoulder a great deal, I am putting his feelings first. I want him to know how much I love him and that I appreciate his love. I want to show him that I love him just as much through my submissiveness.