I have failed at submission for the last few weeks. I’ve been grumpy, tired, and mad. In general, I have not been a good wife. The stress of work, raising kids, and other family matters have gotten the best of me. That stress has manifested itself in feeling sick and has heightened my bipolar II disorder. My husband has been trying his best to take care of me and comfort me, and I’ve rewarded him with biting remarks and anger. And I’m ashamed of my behavior.

390546In other words, I’ve been deserving of discipline for quite awhile.

Sometimes my husband struggles with knowing when to discipline me. He’ll recognize that I deserve it, but he doesn’t always feel like he can implement that discipline because of my mood disorder or if I am sick (which I’ve been, a lot lately). I get frustrated sometimes because even though I know I need to be disciplined, he doesn’t agree. Over the past few weeks I’ve deserved plenty of discipline. Plenty of it. But, as my husband has explained to me, he doesn’t always know when he should follow through on it.

Well, he’s following through now. This all culminated in a big argument on Saturday night. I had been in a terrible mood on Friday, and he told me I needed to be disciplined, but–for only the second time in our CDD journey–I said I wasn’t going to submit. That was a mistake. I let my pride get in the way of what needed to happen, and I am ashamed that I refused to be submissive. To his credit, my husband acquiesced and did not carry out the discipline because I refused to consent. That is part of our contract. Every time he is about to discipline me, I have to consent to what is about to happen. As I mentioned, I’ve only refused twice in our journey because I am capable of recognizing when this disciple needs to happen. I know when I deserve it, and my husband is more than fair about when it needs to happen.

My bad mood carried over until Saturday, and for some reason I accused him of not acting on our CDD contract. This was another mistake. He hadn’t disciplined me on Friday night because I’d refused to consent. It wasn’t his fault. But I turned the situation around and battled with him, saying that he was not committed to the lifestyle. The fight lasted most of the evening, and I apologized over and over that I was ashamed of my behavior both that night and on Friday. He agreed that I’d behaved terribly and said that if I expected discipline, I was now going to receive it.

When we went into the bedroom Saturday night, I knew I was in for it. He always begins with a lecture, which is almost worse than the discipline. We talked over the situation again, and I gave more apologies. That didn’t make what was to follow any easier. Soon my husband picked up the paddle (actually a wooden spatula) from below a chair and walked over to the bed. He told me that I am going to receive 14 days of discipline because I deserve it and so that he can show me that he is committed to this lifestyle.

The spanking was short but terrible. He is a strong man, and that paddle hits deep. It ended with me begging for him to stop. After the spanking and after I composed myself, he gave me a 1/4 teaspoon of habanero hot sauce and told me to stand in the bathroom with the lights off until he told me to come out. This is like our corner time. As the sauce burned my lips, I prayed for forgiveness until he allowed me to return to the bedroom.

The discipline sessions always end with my husband comforting me with a hug, and then we pray for a stronger marriage through submission and CDD. As I whimpered into his chest, he told me to get used to the discipline for a while. He told me he actually thought I deserved more discipline than what he had given me, but he took mercy on me because he was going to implement it for the next two weeks.

Last night he continued the discipline-another spanking but without the sauce and the bathroom time. I admit, I probably deserved more than what he gave me because I had picked a short fight that afternoon, but I thank him for not giving me more spanks.

So I have 12 more days of discipline and then we’ll see where this takes us. I pray that these two weeks give me a new outlook on our lifestyle and help me to submit. My husband deserves a good wife, someone who is not prideful or angry. I also pray for strength as we continue on this journey.