Proverbs 16:5 – Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished.
This verse rings true for me as I sit this morning still feeling the sting of last night’s punishment. It was a rough one. I’m not sitting or walking comfortably. And I’ve learned quite a lesson. My pride got in the way of my fear of the discipline, and that forced my husband’s hand-with the paddle in his grasp.
The session started as is typical for us. My husband lectured me for about 10 minutes about my behavior, but he praised me for showing a little improvement, especially with my efforts to bond with my stepdaughter as we did manicures in the evening. However, I still deserved a deficit spanking as I needed to atone for my bad behavior over the past few weeks. He then told me that I would be in corner time after the spanking to reinforce my punishment.
I had a difficult time looking in my husband’s eyes while I listened to his lecture. I also didn’t answer him as clearly as I should have. I understood what he was saying, but I felt ashamed and prideful. I even rolled my eyes at one point. He emphasized that I needed to respect him during these lectures (and afterwards as well). I do respect my husband, but I don’t always show it as best I should.
After the reprimand, we began the discipline. I was still sore from Session 4, so the paddle had even more sting to it. I think I received more than 20 spanks during the session. A small amount of blood appeared, and my bottom felt like it was on fire. As I cried once the session ended, he made me sit down and press my behind to the bed. This hurt even worse. However, my attitude was not good.
I didn’t fight with him as he told me to get up to stand in the bathroom with the lights off, but I was reluctant to move. He again lectured me and asked if I would relent to this part of my punishment. I nodded and entered the bathroom. As I stood in the darkness, I prayed to God to open my heart and to help me be submissive to my husband. I prayed for strength to be a better mother and to lead a more submissive life. Murmuring to myself, I also recited Ephesians 5:22 – Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. While the sting didn’t lessen and the shame of the corner time rang through my head, I started to relax as I continued to pray.
After about 10 minutes, he let me out of the bathroom and made me sit on the bed again. There was more lecturing, and-as I started to feel tired and ready for it all to finish–my attitude shifted. I continued to look down at myself and at the wall instead of looking at my husband as he spoke, and again I did not answer him clearly. I started to nod and say, “Okay” without truly listening to him. This was defeating the purpose of the session.
Because my husband is so in tune to my thoughts and needs, he could tell that I was losing focus. While he had not shown anger in the last 45 minutes, his mood shifted to frustration. He said, “Look at me and show respect, or I’ll spank you again.” That was my first warning.
My rebellion grew from there. He reminded me that the session had lasted 45 minutes and that really wasn’t a lot of time considering my behavior. He finished his lecture and told me to hold his hand so that we could pray, but I resisted. I was too proud to submit at that moment, too upset to follow his lead. I realize that now. He warned me again that I needed to behave, but I still resisted, refusing to hold his hand. Soon the third warning came, and I was officially done.
He told me to take off my pants and lean over the bed again as I was too prideful and he needed to break me of that pride. I nodded my head and did as I was told, fearing what he would do if I didn’t follow his instructions. The 13 spanks amplified what my bottom had already received, and though I tried to stay quiet, I sobbed into the pillow.
Then I sat down gingerly and cried silent tears. The lecture continued as he told me that my pride got in the way of our relationship and that I was hurting my family in the process. Those words stung more than the entire session. I felt ashamed and remorseful. My husband said a long prayer for us, particularly asking God to show me how to submit and to help improve our family. I felt a calmness wash over me as I listened to his words. He kissed me and told me that he loved me after closing the prayer.
I still feel the sting of the session today. More than the physical hurt, I feel pain from the frustration and sadness that I place on my husband. The shame is overwhelming, and I want to show him that I am committed to improving. I want him to have a good life. I want us to have a good life. But I must face my pride and lack of submission head on, moving toward a new life.
Romans 12:16 – Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.