Today is the first day since Sunday that I’ve felt like myself again. As I’ve explained before (see A Hopeful Appointment and Struggling), my life has been upturned since last Friday because of a new diagnosis replacing my original Bipolar II disorder. I’m now detoxing from meds that I’ve been on for years and years, and I feel like all the chemicals are coming out of my eyeballs in tears.
So, we’ve put a hold on my 14-day discipline sessions since I’ve not been in my right mind lately. My husband recognizes how much pain I’m already in, and he doesn’t want to aggravate my illness by pushing me too far too fast. I thought I was ready to begin again last night, but I had a mini-breakdown after dinner and was sent to bed. I had told my husband that I didn’t want to lose our momentum, and he agreed, but my mental health has to come first.
So that brings us to today. I’ve now got an additional five days of discipline sessions waiting for me, but I am willing to submit to them. It’s strange. Most people would probably say that they’d do anything to avoid a discipline session like I receive, but I feel secure when my husband takes me in hand. It sounds strange, I know. I don’t believe I’m a masochist; I just believe that I feel safer when my husband takes care of me, when he is the strong head of household, when he does things that must be done because I have broken a rule or failed to submit.
I recognize the majority of people won’t understand what I’m saying. They probably think I’m an abomination of a 21st century woman, an embarrassment to my generation. I don’t have the courage (yet) to tell people I know that I am a submissive wife in a CDD relationship. After all, that’s why I don’t use my own name on this blog. But the messages are real. I’m opening up my heart to this process.
Now after five days of feeling miserable and in a deep depression, I’m finally hopeful that the medications will start me on a new path and will help me be a better, healthier person. That path can only help me become a better, more submissive wife and a more loving mother.
Deuteronomy 31:6 – Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you: He will never leave you nor forsake you.