Someone is vacuuming the air out of my chest right now. My chest cavity is caving in, and my legs are filling with cement. My scalp itches and my mind is turning.

The anxiety is palpable.

I didn’t think that being a submissive wife would wipe away all of my problems. I didn’t consider that life would be perfect once my husband and I started CDD. But I did hope – I still hope – for a life that’s just a little better than before. My new meds are starting to work. I can feel the chemicals bonding together in my brain to mend the synapses and slow their rapid fire. But I’m still not better yet.

Last night we started Session 9 of our discipline sessions again. We both agreed that it would be best to start again because we don’t want to lose the momentum of what we’ve gained as a couple over the past two weeks. We called it a maintenance spanking. It was brief, but the rod still stung as it hit my bruised bottom. I think my husband delivered 15 spanks total, and I sobbed as the last few hit my sore skin.

I think the emotional pain was worse than the physical sting last night. I’ve been a mess for the past five days because of the med changes, and even though each day is getting better, I want to feel better now. However, despite my mood shifts and weepiness, I do feel like I’m being better at submission. I am not fighting with my husband like I was before, and I am listening to his words more carefully.

Most importantly, I’m praying more frequently. The best thing my husband and I do together after a discipline session is say a prayer. He asks God to give us both strength and to heal our marriage. His words dwell deep in my soul; they’re even stronger than the lectures or discipline that he implements.

I am still reading my Bible every day (currently in Numbers, Chapter 19), and I’m seeking out other Bible verses to help me through this journey. My goal is to draw closer to God and to live not just as a submissive wife but as a Godly woman. I’m not there yet, but of course, this is a journey.

Matthew 17:20 – He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “Move from here to there” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.