This weekend was our first weekend without the kids since the end of December. While I very much enjoyed it, I missed them immensely. It’s amazing how a lot of the time I just want silence, but when it comes, I miss the chatter of my precious children.

This weekend also marked two days without discipline sessions. Saturday night I was so tired that my husband let me sleep instead of implementing discipline. I’m grateful for that. Even though I’d slept extra late in the day, my medication makes me tired and I needed rest.

Last night was a different story. My husband and I had a nice Father’s Day together. I know he missed the children, but we went to church and out to lunch. I took a nap in the afternoon, and he mentioned that he felt lonely, so I curled up on the couch with him to read from Numbers. It was a peaceful hour.

But then things took a turn for the worse. I had casually mentioned wanting another child a few weeks ago, but we never fully discussed it. I’ve since changed my mind because I want to give the best life we can for our three children, and that includes financial benefits. Also, there is a lot of drama in my own family right now. It’s enough information for several posts, but basically it boils down to my mother trying to control my life and I don’t know how to handle it. Bringing another baby into the family just doesn’t make sense right now. My husband agrees.

Then, like I often do, I turned the conversation into an argument about my mother. I honestly don’t know what happened. One minute my husband and I were talking, and the next minute I was angry and frustrated. So much so that I started screaming uncontrollably. He held my head because he was afraid I was going to hurt myself. It was awful.

I don’t know where this anger comes from. I am truly ashamed of my behavior. I love my husband more than any person in this world, but somehow I always end up hurting him. He was devastated by my actions. I still am. It was an awful hour. I ended up taking another Klonopin to help calm down and fell asleep. I woke up around 1:30 to find myself in an empty bed. He had fallen asleep in the chair out in the living room, something that makes me feel so empty and alone. He didn’t do it intentionally, I know that, but I don’t sleep well without him next to me. Still, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be next to me based on my earlier behavior.

Now, as I think back to the incident, I think I can draw a connection to the lack of discipline sessions and my behavior last night. CDD helps me remember my place in the family. My husband once told me that the discipline he inflicts on me doesn’t hurt half as bad as what I do to him. That is a wake-up call.

So now I’m thinking about how I can broach this subject with him tonight. I deserve a severe session on top of the deficit spankings I’ve been missing. And the strange thing is, I yearn for that spanking. Feeling the pain of what I’ve done will help me remember why submission is so important to us. I know I misbehaved and I know I hurt my husband, so I deserve to be reminded of what I’ve done.

Revelation 3:19 – Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent.

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