My husband read yesterday’s post (My Sinful Behavior) and agreed wholeheartedly. I had misbehaved and damaged my marriage. For that I am still ashamed. Still, after last night’s discipline session, I do feel a sense of relief and peace.

I wasn’t surprised when he brought out the paddle. We had been using the rod, which stings in a different way, but the paddle is reserved for serious infractions. It hurts deep, like I’ve mentioned before, and I can’t handle as many spanks as I probably deserve. But he warned me that it would be a severe session last night. I would have to swallow hot sauce and stand in the corner after my spanking, he told me. That made me dread the session even more, but I steeled myself for what was to come.

I don’t know how many spanks he delivered. I just remember sobbing into the pillow and squirming to get away. I put my hand back once to protect myself, but I knew better than to leave it there. After I could take no more, I had a feeling that my husband thought I deserved more than that, but thankfully he moved on to the next phase.

He left me on the bed to compose myself and got the hot sauce. I had to swallow an entire spoonful, which made me gag. Then he sent me to the bathroom to repent. He told me to pray to God for forgiveness and strength, and that’s what I did.

I think I sobbed through half of my bathroom time. I begged God to forgive me and to help me be a better wife, mother, and person, even a better worker. I could barely get the words out through my tears, but I kept whispering, “Heal me. Heal me. Take away the pain and anger.” I hope God listened to my prayer because it was the most heartfelt one I’ve given in a very long time.

Then I felt a sense of calmness come over me. I stopped crying but continued to talk to God. Our air conditioner isn’t working well so the bathroom was stifling, but I still talked to God about wanting to be better. I recited Colossians 3:18 – Wives submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting to the Lord. That is my mantra for my journey toward submission.

After 20 minutes–which felt like an hour–my husband let me out of the bathroom and told me to sit on the bed. He told me he still wasn’t done with me yet. I am not allowed to use Facebook or any social media until Wednesday night, and I am not allowed to have a Diet Coke today. The no-diet-soda rule is more difficult to follow than avoiding social media. Still, I’m respecting my husband’s authority and following his rules. I had to get on Facebook to post something to my work’s page, but I asked him first.

In all the time that we’ve practiced CDD, I think this is the longest punishment that I’ve received. But, I think I probably deserved more. During our prayer last night, my husband stumbled over his words and told God that he felt he should have punished me more. That hurt to hear him say that; I felt like I had disappointed him in some way because I couldn’t bear any more spanks. Still, the punishment is lasting throughout today, and I cannot forget his warnings that if something like Sunday night happens again, I will be in the bathroom for 40 minutes and the rest of the punishment will be much more severe.

So here we go again. I took several steps backwards in my journey to submission, but I want it to work. As I prayed to God last night, I begged Him to heal me and help my marriage. I love my husband so much, and I want to improve our lives.