A Submissive Wife's Journey

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Colossians 3:18

Not Done Yet — July 29, 2015

Not Done Yet

My husband and I still have a lot of talking to do, but we’ve decided we’re not done with submissiveness and CDD. But the ball is in my court, so to speak. My actions have to speak louder than my words. If I feel I’m not going to be submissive, then I need to walk away, take a break, shut my mouth.

I understand this concept completely. I’ve written about my pride before, and I know that it’ll come up again. I have to lose this pride in order to truly become submissive. And that means that I have to learn to act submissive, not just think submissive thoughts or submit to discipline sessions.

I’ve told my husband before that I need him to “break me” of my pride and bad behavior. What I mean by this is for him to take control of everything, and it also means that I must be punished for every infraction. I still agree with what I’ve told him. He needs to “break” me, but I also need to “break” myself. He is the head of our household; he is my leader. As Ephesians 5:23-24 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” But it’s not just his responsibility to make me submit or to guide me and our family. It is my responsibility to follow God’s words and submit on my own, not for any other reason than that it is what God deems holy and by doing so I am giving my husband the ultimate honor, respect, and love.

It’s not going to be easy, but things are making more sense each day. I pray that I can walk this path toward submission and move forward with my husband. And I pray that if I falter, he will guide me back onto the path with the appropriate actions. To me, and people may disagree, submission and CDD are connected. I’ve written about it before, but I feel more submissive if my husband disciplines me. I love that he loves me enough to discipline me when I’m misbehaving because I want to be corrected. That may not make sense to some people, but it just works in my brain. I want the correction. I don’t like it, obviously, because it is painful and uncomfortable, but I need it, especially as I am committing to taking more action to be submissive.

My husband has mixed feelings about the discipline sessions. He doesn’t like causing me pain, but he has read a lot about it and understands that this is part of CDD. I see a connection between what he has to do when he disciplines me and what I have to do when I need to be submissive. It may not feel comfortable or natural for either of us, but we are doing it for the good of our marriage.

Advertisements
Done? — July 28, 2015

Done?

This weekend was not good. I was going through severe medicine withdrawals on Saturday. My husband and I fought nearly all day on Sunday. It was bad. I won’t go into details, but I was awful, and it hurt our marriage. I realized I have to change.

He told me that we were done with submission and CDD because it’s not working and my behavior is getting worse. I do t want to be done with it. I don’t want it to stop because in my heart, I feel that it can help us.

I don’t know when I can bring it up to my husband again, but I know that I can make changes in myself to show him that I can be submissive. Maybe that will show him that I am committed to this lifestyle and will make changes to help our marriage.

I’ve said it before, and I truly mean tha I see my husband as the head of the household. Now, more than ever, I have to put action behind that belief.

Tired — July 25, 2015

Tired

Why should this post be titled anything different? I’m always tired. I can’t get enough energy to make it through the day without taking a nap. I guess what this is telling me is that I need to make some serious changes in my life. As my husband would say, “Of course you do. That’s what I’ve been telling you for a long time.”

I’m significantly overweight, and I rely on way too much caffeine and nicotine. Yes, I’m getting some of the poisonous meds out of my system, but I have a lot more poison to remove too. My weight is on my mind every day, nearly all day. I have a lot of issues with food, and I can’t seem to get the energy to exercise. I know I’d feel a lot better about myself if I would just exercise and eat better. I’d definitely look better.

This doesn’t really have anything to do with submission. It’s just me rambling about what’s on my mind right now. But, I can see some times between how I feel about my body and how I behave. One, I don’t have a lot of energy, so it’s harder for me to be active with my family. More importantly, when I’m feeling bad about my weight or unhappy about my bad habits, then I’m more likely to be grumpy and snap at people, which leads to arguments. I’m much more likely to be snarky or short with my husband or kids. That means no submission from me.

So, in this rambling post, I’m writing down what I’ve known for so long. I need to make more changes in my life than just practicing submission and CDD. I need to lose weight, cut the caffeine, and quit the nicotine. I need to make these changes. Now.

Back Home — July 23, 2015

Back Home

I’m finally back home after the big work trip. It was only four days, but it felt like a much longer time. I did get to see my daughter (she’s with her biological dad for the summer), so that was wonderful. However, most of the trip was stressful otherwise.

I’ve mentioned before that I have a severe depression problem, and now they’re changing my meds. I’m currently down to a 1/4 of a dose of one of my original meds, and that really impacted my emotions this week. It was already stressful with talking to my boss about leaving my job, and I just kept crying. I hate that feeling. When I get upset, I immediately start to cry, and I hate feeling that way. Today is much better, mainly because I’m home.

It was so good to see my husband last night and talk with him. I apologized again for what I’d said to my boss, and he says he forgives me. I know I hurt him, though. I told my boss that I misspoke, so I feel better about that, but I hate the thought of hurting my husband, especially because he supports me in so much.

So that leads me to the submission issue. I messed up big time. I told a lie, something I rarely ever do. My husband tells me that one of the things he loves about me is that I’m one of the most honest people he knows. I pride myself on that honesty, and I guess sometimes that gets me into trouble. I firmly believe that I need to be disciplined for what happened. I hurt my husband, and I caused pain in our relationship. I know it’s up to him as to whether to carry out this discipline, but I know I deserve it.

This brings me to an issue that I’ve talked about before: asking for discipline or maintenance. It occurs to me that this might be a sign of my control issue that I need to deal with as I work on submission. Frankly, I like to be in control in a lot of situations. I don’t want my husband to think that I’m demanding discipline or trying to control when it happens, but I’ve read that it’s okay for wives to ask their husbands for discipline if they feel that they need it because of some infraction. This is just one more layer of CDD.

I’ll admit, it feels very strange to ask for discipline because I know it’s going to be painful. I know I’m putting myself in an uncomfortable situation, but honestly, the discipline helps me feel like I’m being more submissive to my husband. We’ll see what tonight brings.

Missing Home — July 22, 2015

Missing Home

Today is my last day away from home on a business trip. The best part of the trip is that I got to see my daughter. The worst part has been being from my husband and the other two kids.

I told my boss on Monday that I’ll be there until December but then will be done with this job. He understood, but then I made a mistake. He asked if my husband was upset tht I was on the trip. Caught up in the emotion of the entire conversation, I said yes, which isn’t true. My husband never said anything about me going on this trip. I have no idea why I said it.

I told my husband about the conversation, and he was understandably hurt by what I said. I guess I was too emotional, but that sounds like an excuse. I’m deeply sorry for hurting my husband. He feels like people think he’s controlling because of what I say. I don’t know that they think he’s controlling, but I know that he has the right to feel this way. I’m so sorry for that. Truly sorry.

Both Monday and Tuesday I was terribly emotional. I couldn’t control my tears. That’s unprofessional, and I told my boss there was a family crisi. I just couldn’t get it together. Part of it is that the doctor has cut one of my meds down to a quarter. The chemicals are going out of my system, so that’s part of it. I just want today to go better. I have a presentation, and I want it to go well.

I am so ready to be home. I know it’s going to be hard because I’ve said that I’m quitting, and I don’t know when I’ll tell my staff. I just want less drama.

A Big Day — July 20, 2015

A Big Day

Today is a big day. I’m on a work trip, and I have to talk with my boss about quitting. I’m giving him months of notice, but where we ware living and what I am doing is just not right for me anymore. Nor is it right for my family.

My husband and I have been talking about this for months. It’s not a decision we’ve made lightly. Moving will allow us to be closer to my stepson, and we’ll finally be in a place that my husband’s wanted to be for years. It’s the right thing to do for us.

I’m still scared. I’m intimidated about telling my boss. He’s done a lot for me, but he’s also done some not great things as well. I was sabotaged by the woman whose job I took, and I’ve been verbally abused by some of my employees, all without my boss sticking up for me.

To say that my husband is angry about how I’ve been treated is an understatement. This is one of those times when I can really see how protective he is of me. He hates that I’ve been disrespected. I’ve been more complacent with it all, but he’s been angry for months. So it’s time to put this job in the past, be submissive to my husband, and move forward. Prayers are appreciated.

Saturday Musings — July 18, 2015

Saturday Musings

imagesToday is Saturday, and I’m pondering what to write. This week has been strange. I’ve been extra busy with work, two of our munchkins are back from time with their mom, and I’ve been extra tired. Tomorrow I leave for a work trip that isn’t exactly going to fun.

Thursday night, after reading my post, my husband told me that I did need maintenance, but he wasn’t going to do it that night because I needed to get to bed. We would do it on Friday. Well, on Friday I barely woke up for dinner, and he decided to let me sleep. I appreciate that because I clearly needed the sleep. I hope that the maintenance occurs tonight because I feel like I need it before I go on my work trip.

On Thursday we also talked about questions we have about maintenance and spanking discipline sessions. When my husband and I first got together, I enjoyed a playful spanking during sex. It was fun, and I was turned on by his forcefulness. I can understand why my husband might wonder if part of CDD is a sexual turn-on for me.

It’s not. Bending over the bed with my bottom bared, readying myself for discipline, I have no thoughts of sexual gratification. I know these types of spankings are going to hurt badly, and I’m embarrassed and ashamed because of what I’m about to experience. I also know that I deserve this discipline and am showing my husband that I submit to him by putting myself in this position. In my mind, I am counting the spanks and begging for him to stop soon. In contrast, if he spanks me during sex, I feel closer to him and love his manliness. I’m not being disciplined at that moment; he is showing me how close we can be and is bringing me sexual pleasure.

I’ve been searching for more blogs about CDD and submission, but a lot of them that I’ve read have focused on BDSM-type relationships. Let me be clear. That is not the type of relationship we want or have. I wish I could find more people who are experiencing what I am: becoming a submissive wife who requires discipline when needed. I like the learnindd.com blog, and I think the Christian Domestic Discipline website gives a good explanation of the basics of a CDD lifestyle. Are there other sites/blogs that I should check out?

And on the Seventh Day — July 16, 2015

And on the Seventh Day

My husband and I bickered over text today. I honestly was not trying to argue, but we still bickered. We’re planning on making a big move in December, and I needed to fill out some paperwork about renting a town home. I was of the opinion that we should try to rent a house, but we’re over 1,000 miles away from our new location and, as my husband said, it’s very difficult to find a reliable house to rent when you can’t see it in person. The town home he’s found is very nice and we won’t be in it forever, but I still brought up wanting to be in a house. Thus began the bickering.

As a submissive wife in training, I know I should have accepted what my husband said from the beginning since he does know what is best for our household. I made it clear that I was only sharing my opinion, but I still should have gotten his point faster than I did, especially because we’ve had this conversation before.

In other words, I didn’t keep my mouth shut and I didn’t submit. I don’t know if this warrants a discipline session or not. The bickering ended pretty quickly, and we moved on to new topics, but I wasn’t a submissive wife at that moment. This is where I have questions. Is it possible to disagree and still be submissive? My husband has made it clear that he wants to hear my opinions, but as his submissive wife, I should accept all of his decisions as final. I did eventually agree to what we were discussing, but I guess I put up more of a fight than I should have. Does that mean I failed at submission at that moment?

Which brings me to another point, it’s been a week since A Final Punishment?, and while I haven’t misbehaved terribly, today is the first day in a week that we’ve had some sort of an issue. Does that warrant a discipline session? Or, in my mind, I wish that my husband would implement a maintenance spanking as a reminder that things today could have gone very badly and I need to control myself more. Is it wrong to ask for maintenance? Is it wrong to be asked to be spanked? I read an interesting blog post about this very subject. What do you think?

Six Days —

Six Days

Just a quick update as I wait for my group to arrive. My husband and I haven’t argued in six days! I’ve been working really hard at keeping my mouth shut when I need to. If I’ve been annoyed or irritated, I have tried to keep quiet and have not lashed out. I’m making a real effort, and my husband is too. We’re talking things out. Like Monday night I was fighting off a depression moment, and we talked rather than turning it into an argument. He comforted me by talking in a way that we haven’t done in a really long time. It feels good.

I want this feeling to last. I love talking to my husband without being ready to argue, and I’m recognizing what he’s saying about my need to argue. It’s not going to be perfect, but six days is a start, right?

Keep It Shut — July 13, 2015

Keep It Shut

WomanSilencingSelfI came across this link to “The Better Mom” site this morning. It’s called Making a Pledge to Keep It Shut. It’s a timely read since I’ve been thinking so much about silencing my tongue.

One of the writing prompts from the site is “I don’t want to be a gasoline queen anymore, throughout fuel on an already smoldering situation by escalating a family argument.”

I am definitely a gasoline queen. When I feel threatened or frustrated, I will throw out remarks that hit below the belt. Hard. The words I use in anger are extremely hurtful, and I have a great deal of remorse and shame for what I’ve said in the past. This isn’t something new. I’ve done this since I can remember. It’s a terrible character flaw of mine. I pride myself in being an honest person, but when the anger comes, it seems like honesty turns into vicious attacks.

The next few weeks are going to be a challenge for me to stop being a gasoline queen. My stepdaughter is back home from seeing her mom, and my stepson is now visiting us as well. My husband and I had a long talk about not fighting in front of the kids and not letting them hear us argue. If I feel upset or angry about something, I need to bite my tongue and save it for a calm conversation later. It’s not good for the kids to hear us argue, especially because we want to make this a special visit for my stepson. So I have to be calm, patient, and submissive as we get through this time. They say that it takes 28 days to build a habit, maybe this will be the starting point of this new habit as well.

Ephesians 4:29: Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.