My husband read my last post and brought up a lot of good points. He said it sounded recycled. He also said that I need to be fully open about what’s going on in our marriage. So, this is going to be a really hard post to write, but it’s going to be real.
As I’ve mentioned, I’m a prideful person. On most days I start an argument, act like a petulant child, or hide in our room because I’m upset. My husband tries his hardest to get me to talk, but I really don’t know what to say. Then he feels stuck, like no matter if he walks away or sits with me in silence, I’m going to be angry. The fact is, he’s right, but the other fact is that I don’t usually know what I want.
I have severe depression and anxiety, which affects my daily mood. This doesn’t excuse how I act though. My husband tells me that part of what I’m doing is on my own and part of it is chemical. But, overall, how I behave can be controlled. See, the thing is that I control my emotions with other people. I take out my frustrations, anger, and sadness on my husband and on my stepdaughter, but I try to be calm with other people. Again, I don’t know why I do this. My husband feels like a victim in this situation, and I think he’s right.
Our marriage is on the rocks. I believe that submission and CDD will help repair our marriage, but like my husband just told me, I say the same things and nothing changes. Why can’t I change? Why am I not moving forward? I love my husband. He loves me. Otherwise we would probably be going through a divorce right now. He says that he doesn’t know when he’s going to break.
I am not an easy person to live with. I’m not. My mood swings get out of control. He asks me why I’m so sad all the time and why I’m this way. I don’t truly have an answer for him. He’s asked me before why I want to be married. He’s told me I got married because I didn’t want to be alone. Some of that was true, but I wanted to marry him more because I love him. I want a life with him. But if I continue the behavior I’ve been doing, then I am afraid my marriage will crumble.
Writing this post makes me feel like a hypocrite. I talk about submission so much. I believe in it. But I’m failing at it, and I’m hurting my husband. I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him, but I don’t know if I can be the wife that he wants and deserves.