I’m finally back home after the big work trip. It was only four days, but it felt like a much longer time. I did get to see my daughter (she’s with her biological dad for the summer), so that was wonderful. However, most of the trip was stressful otherwise.
I’ve mentioned before that I have a severe depression problem, and now they’re changing my meds. I’m currently down to a 1/4 of a dose of one of my original meds, and that really impacted my emotions this week. It was already stressful with talking to my boss about leaving my job, and I just kept crying. I hate that feeling. When I get upset, I immediately start to cry, and I hate feeling that way. Today is much better, mainly because I’m home.
It was so good to see my husband last night and talk with him. I apologized again for what I’d said to my boss, and he says he forgives me. I know I hurt him, though. I told my boss that I misspoke, so I feel better about that, but I hate the thought of hurting my husband, especially because he supports me in so much.
So that leads me to the submission issue. I messed up big time. I told a lie, something I rarely ever do. My husband tells me that one of the things he loves about me is that I’m one of the most honest people he knows. I pride myself on that honesty, and I guess sometimes that gets me into trouble. I firmly believe that I need to be disciplined for what happened. I hurt my husband, and I caused pain in our relationship. I know it’s up to him as to whether to carry out this discipline, but I know I deserve it.
This brings me to an issue that I’ve talked about before: asking for discipline or maintenance. It occurs to me that this might be a sign of my control issue that I need to deal with as I work on submission. Frankly, I like to be in control in a lot of situations. I don’t want my husband to think that I’m demanding discipline or trying to control when it happens, but I’ve read that it’s okay for wives to ask their husbands for discipline if they feel that they need it because of some infraction. This is just one more layer of CDD.
I’ll admit, it feels very strange to ask for discipline because I know it’s going to be painful. I know I’m putting myself in an uncomfortable situation, but honestly, the discipline helps me feel like I’m being more submissive to my husband. We’ll see what tonight brings.