My husband and I still have a lot of talking to do, but we’ve decided we’re not done with submissiveness and CDD. But the ball is in my court, so to speak. My actions have to speak louder than my words. If I feel I’m not going to be submissive, then I need to walk away, take a break, shut my mouth.

I understand this concept completely. I’ve written about my pride before, and I know that it’ll come up again. I have to lose this pride in order to truly become submissive. And that means that I have to learn to act submissive, not just think submissive thoughts or submit to discipline sessions.

I’ve told my husband before that I need him to “break me” of my pride and bad behavior. What I mean by this is for him to take control of everything, and it also means that I must be punished for every infraction. I still agree with what I’ve told him. He needs to “break” me, but I also need to “break” myself. He is the head of our household; he is my leader. As Ephesians 5:23-24 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” But it’s not just his responsibility to make me submit or to guide me and our family. It is my responsibility to follow God’s words and submit on my own, not for any other reason than that it is what God deems holy and by doing so I am giving my husband the ultimate honor, respect, and love.

It’s not going to be easy, but things are making more sense each day. I pray that I can walk this path toward submission and move forward with my husband. And I pray that if I falter, he will guide me back onto the path with the appropriate actions. To me, and people may disagree, submission and CDD are connected. I’ve written about it before, but I feel more submissive if my husband disciplines me. I love that he loves me enough to discipline me when I’m misbehaving because I want to be corrected. That may not make sense to some people, but it just works in my brain. I want the correction. I don’t like it, obviously, because it is painful and uncomfortable, but I need it, especially as I am committing to taking more action to be submissive.

My husband has mixed feelings about the discipline sessions. He doesn’t like causing me pain, but he has read a lot about it and understands that this is part of CDD. I see a connection between what he has to do when he disciplines me and what I have to do when I need to be submissive. It may not feel comfortable or natural for either of us, but we are doing it for the good of our marriage.