A Submissive Wife's Journey

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Colossians 3:18

5 Spanks In — January 27, 2017

5 Spanks In

Well, I’ve received discipline for the past 5 nights. I can’t say it’s been easy, but I’m not in too much pain nowadays just uncomfortable. My husband has been using a small paddle covered in leather. We ran into a problem the first night because we were concerned that our older kids heard the smacks in our room, so we moved to the basement. Laying over the side of a chair is a different experience than on the side of the bed. My behind is higher in the air now, and I am even more exposed. Also, the lectures and sessions feel different in the basement, not as severe or stern as they do in the bedroom. We’ve ordered a flogger that should be quieter, allowing us to move back upstairs.

That being said, I believe it is starting to save our marriage. While we’re not through with our first week yet, I feel like I’m being more respectful. I’m not mouthing off in the morning like I was doing on a daily basis. I feel closer to him right now.

We had a discussion last night that was telling. It was after 10 p.m., and he hadn’t told me that I needed to go down to the basement. I asked him, and he shared that he was conflicted. He didn’t feel like I’d done anything to deserve a major discipline session, but her also felt like I needed maintenance. He told me that although it was his ultimate decision, he wanted feedback from me about how I felt. I told him the same: that I didn’t feel my behavior had been bad, but I would feel like he’s truly committed to CDD if he carried out a maintenance session because we’ve struggled with consistency in the past. He agreed and directed me to go downstairs.

Before he started, he told me that he was committed, like he’s said in the past, and that he’s serious about this. He recognizes that he will have to answer to God because he is the head of the house. I have to answer to him and God. Hearing him say that really helped me see why we are starting this journey again. It is about fixing my poor behavior but also about our relationship with God. By doing this, we are showing our understanding of our roles as husband and wife and showing that we want God to lead us down a better path than what we have been doing, “we” meaning me in terms of how I respect my husband and my family.

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How to Complicate My Marriage — January 23, 2017
Starting Over — January 22, 2017

Starting Over

Another move, a purchased home, a new job, a dying father, a mental illness.

That’s what we’ve been dealing with since my last post. It certainly hasn’t been easy, and our marriage has suffered for it.

The key to understanding these stressors is that I don’t handle them well. My husband is the ultimate planner–an analytical man who likes to plan two days, two months, even two years ahead. I’m of the other opinion: what happens will happen, and I don’t want to address the challenges in between. Frankly, I don’t handle stress well, and I lash out at the ones I love more than ever when I’m feeling pressure.

My husband bears the brunt of my panic attacks, criticism, and anger. I come to him in sorrow and remorse afterwards, but that doesn’t erase the words I spit at him when I react that way. I admit my wrongdoings, my unacceptable behavior now–and this makes me uncomfortable to write. However, I have to change.

Because of my behavior, we’ve not ventured back to Christian domestic discipline consistently in the past seven months. At times, my husband has responded to my outrageous behavior and attitude by saying that he’s not going to enact CDD anymore. Understandably so. He points out that it’s difficult to carry out punishments when I feel sick (irrational hypochondria), am distraught, or am just in a terrible mood.

I get that. I understand his points. But perhaps being disciplined during those moments is the best thing for me. Maybe that discipline–or the dread before it happens–will help mold me into the submissive wife I say I want to become.

He’s asked me to read more about CDD and return to the first reason we approached this lifestyle: to bring harmony and peace to our marriage and to our home. While we broached this conversation today, I know that we need to go back to the basics. Returning to the rules and expectations will reset the course upon which we first began.

So I’ll be reflecting on Colossians 3:18 once again: Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Let me offer this prayer: Heavenly Father, forgive me for my sins against you, against my husband, and against my family. Open my heart to change, my mind to submission, and my actions to healing. Help us to renew the vows that we said before you, and help me to honor my husband as you have instructed me to do. Thank you for the blessings that you have brought, help me to embrace those blessings as I move forward. Amen.