Another move, a purchased home, a new job, a dying father, a mental illness.

That’s what we’ve been dealing with since my last post. It certainly hasn’t been easy, and our marriage has suffered for it.

The key to understanding these stressors is that I don’t handle them well. My husband is the ultimate planner–an analytical man who likes to plan two days, two months, even two years ahead. I’m of the other opinion: what happens will happen, and I don’t want to address the challenges in between. Frankly, I don’t handle stress well, and I lash out at the ones I love more than ever when I’m feeling pressure.

My husband bears the brunt of my panic attacks, criticism, and anger. I come to him in sorrow and remorse afterwards, but that doesn’t erase the words I spit at him when I react that way. I admit my wrongdoings, my unacceptable behavior now–and this makes me uncomfortable to write. However, I have to change.

Because of my behavior, we’ve not ventured back to Christian domestic discipline consistently in the past seven months. At times, my husband has responded to my outrageous behavior and attitude by saying that he’s not going to enact CDD anymore. Understandably so. He points out that it’s difficult to carry out punishments when I feel sick (irrational hypochondria), am distraught, or am just in a terrible mood.

I get that. I understand his points. But perhaps being disciplined during those moments is the best thing for me. Maybe that discipline–or the dread before it happens–will help mold me into the submissive wife I say I want to become.

He’s asked me to read more about CDD and return to the first reason we approached this lifestyle: to bring harmony and peace to our marriage and to our home. While we broached this conversation today, I know that we need to go back to the basics. Returning to the rules and expectations will reset the course upon which we first began.

So I’ll be reflecting on Colossians 3:18 once again: Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Let me offer this prayer: Heavenly Father, forgive me for my sins against you, against my husband, and against my family. Open my heart to change, my mind to submission, and my actions to healing. Help us to renew the vows that we said before you, and help me to honor my husband as you have instructed me to do. Thank you for the blessings that you have brought, help me to embrace those blessings as I move forward. Amen.

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