I found these notes from a book I read last year (Order of Marriage and Christian Domestic Discipline). These are direct quotations taken from that book. I’ll be revisiting the book and these notes over the next few weeks.
Spanking is an effective means of pruning to correct a wife when her behavior has hurt herself, her marriage, or her family as it lets her feel that she has paid the price which allows her to let go of her guilt.
Sons, our wives are commanded by the Word of God to submit to us, their husbands. In Ephesians 5:22, they are commanded to submit unto us as unto the Lord. He gives us authority over our wives and did so starting with the very first wife Eve in Genesis 3: 16 during the sentencing after she and Adam ate of the forbidden fruit by saying “thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee”. Now if the Lord loves us enough to chasten us His sons not for His pleasure but for our own good when we need it as written in Hebrews 12 just who do you believe that He had in mind to deliver chastening to His daughters, our Help Meets and weaker vessels when they need it?”
Think about the marriages that you see in our Church that are harmonious and productive. Who is the head of the household in each and every one of them? That’s right! The husband! Now think of the ones like yours that are struggling and even failing. Who has the majority if not all of the power in those marriages? That’s right! The wives! Why is that do you ask? Because it goes against the Word of God and He cannot Bless it!”
Corrective discipline is an effective means of helping a wife do better when her behavior has hurt herself, her marriage, or her family as it lets her feel that she has paid the price which allows her to let go of her guilt. It also puts a deterrent in place not to repeat the sin and thus earn another consequence.
Rules for CDD
The rules give the wife boundaries and a clear understanding of what she is expected not to do. This gives her a great sense of protection. If the wife breaks a rule or rules she must confess and accept the consequences for her undesirable behaviors and/ or actions. Consequences for violation are up to the husband and he must always do what is best for his wife and family. It is not about him!
Ask of your fiancé or wife, “Which would be worse, you continuing to feel guilty and ashamed and me being disappointed in you and withdrawing (either of which can easily fester to the point of divorce) or you coming clean and receiving a spanking to put it all behind us with closure?” If she agrees that a spanking is a better alternative to long held guilt, remorse and resentment, it is time to discuss and write a set of rules and a contract that both the husband and wife must sign.
Three rules that I feel should be on every list are:
- I must not disrespect God, my husband, my marriage, or my family.
- I must be obedient to my husband accepting his leadership and authority.
- I must not lie nor otherwise intentionally cause harm to my relationship with God, my husband, or my family.
As time passes, rules may be added or taken away by the husband, but this must always be done for the good of the wife and family. The only benefits for the husband are that the rules provide boundaries or as some call them, “fences”, that keeps his family protected, happy, to live in harmony and to grow.
The rules give the wife boundaries (fences) and a clear understanding of what she is expected not to do which gives her a great sense of protection. If the wife breaks a rule or rules she must confess and face the consequences. Consequences for violation are up to the husband and he must always do what is best for his wife and family. It is not about him! It must be clearly understood that at no time should a husband correct his wife with a spanking simply because she made him mad, although if she intentionally provoked him to wrath, that can easily be labeled as disrespect which is a punishable offense. Getting mad is a choice that we all have to make to get to that point. If she did not violate the rules, intentionally provoke her husband to wrath, or do something harmful to herself, her marriage, or her family, she does not deserve to be spanked simply because the husband let something frustrate him and he allowed himself to become angry. Again, domestic discipline is not about the needs of the husband. It is always about the needs of the marriage, wife, and family.
Should the consequence for every rule violation be a spanking? No. If she comes to you openly, contritely, and confesses a minor rule violation, and can release all of her guilt with a conversation with her husband stating something along the lines of “I will not do it again. I broke a rule. I was wrong and I am sorry. You being disappointed in me, my being disappointed in myself, and my corner time are consequence enough. Please forgive me”, then she may not need a spanking, but in most cases she should still do her corner time (See the section on “Corner Time”) to show her obedience and accountability. She should be quizzed over her release of guilt to ensure that she is not just trying to get out of a spanking. However, if in the coming days the same behavior comes back, it must be at least considered that the conversation and corner time were not enough to control the behavior and a spanking should then take place. Important exceptions:
- She has violated a serious rule whether confessed or not.
- She is caught in a minor rule violation that she had time to confess and chose not to, a sound spanking should always be given.
The Decision to Spank
Once the consensual agreement has been made to enter into CDD, the decision to spank is always the husband’s as he is the head of the house hold and has the authority to make final decisions. Does a police officer ask you whether or not he should give you a ticket when you violate a traffic law? Does an employer ask if you should be reprimanded when you break a company policy or do shabby work? Of course the answer to both questions is “no”, because those people have authority over us in those areas. The Word of God places the authority over the wife in the hands of the husband. CDD is a tool the husband utilizes when he must to enforce that authority. That being said, it is always best that a wife agrees that she needs/ deserves a spanking before one is given. If she doesn’t, one of two things is true: she is either right or she is rebelling.
When making the final decision, he must remember that the rules are about the protecting the marriage, wife, and family. He must remember that physical consequence for a confessed minor rule violation is a lighter consequence than that of a rule violation in which she was caught. A physical consequence for any confessed rule violation, whether minor or major is only partly about obedience and accountability (enforcing the rules). It is mostly about his wife releasing her guilt and shame and having a deterrent not to break the rule again.
Should the wife start to disagree that a spanking is required on most violations, then, in my opinion, a spanking is required for every rule violation. The wife cannot be allowed to use this as a form of manipulation. She will soon believe and rightly so, that she can manipulate her husband and get out of her accountability. Again, this will undermine his authority and her respect of her husband.
If she requests consistency, you agree to do so, and then you fail to provide her with it for any reason, she will be prone to develop counterproductive feelings such as that you don’t love her enough to make helping her a priority or that she is not worth the trouble or that you are giving up on her, etc which can be devastating for the wife’s self worth. Do not let that happen! Never allow yourself to punish her one week for an offense and let her slide the next week if she does the same thing regardless of the reasons why, as this confuses her and in the future she will not know what to expect or if your fences are strong enough to truly protect her. Hold her accountable each time, but let the reasons for the behavior dictate the type, amount, and severity of the correction.
Spanking in Anger
If the husband is angry, in most cases, he should wait until he calms down through prayer and requests for God’s guidance, before he starts the conversation stage. If he allows himself to become angry during the conversation in most cases, he should calm down through prayer and repentance prior to administering the spanking. This cooling down time will be especially hard on his wife because she knows that she has seriously disappointed him and will deepen her feelings of guilt and shame. The husband must not use this as a tool to make her feel worse. Remember, the goal is to correct the behavior and make her feel better. Again, it is not about the husband.
Whatever you do, never forget that it’s God’s daughter that you are spanking which also helps keep you focused on only doing so for her own good as well as for the good of the family and marriage.”
“The session should start with you sending your wife bare bottomed to stand in the corner for a while. Some feel that the only thing that a wife should be wearing during a correction is her wedding ring. I myself have done that more than a few times as well. During her corner time, you should be praying for God’s guidance, collecting your thoughts, deciding on what you will say to your wife, as well as allowing God to strengthen your resolve as well as your nerve to do so. Your wife should be reflecting on both her improvements as well as her mistakes since the previous session and be praying for a submissive heart to accept whatever God leads you, her husband, her authority to do to help her correct it.”
“The purpose is not to humiliate but it is to humble as well as to ensure her focus. A married woman normally has no qualms with states of undress around her husband and yet being required to be in a state of undress because she is going to be held accountable for bad behavior helps her get into the correct mind set and humbled by your authority. You on the other hand need to remain clothed which reminds her of both of your roles and responsibilities during the correction.”
“She should remain bare bottom throughout the corner time, discussion, lecture, prayer and spanking. She should only be allowed to cover her bottom again at the end of the corrective session when you give her permission to. Keeping her bottom bare will help her remain humble throughout the session.”
Occasionally a raised voice is called for when a husband issues a command in a tone just a slight bit louder than his normal voice to get his wife’s attention. Examples are: “Look at me!” when she is trying to turn her back and walk away or “Enough!” when she is being argumentative, yelling, screaming or otherwise out of control, but yelling at your wife is counterproductive. Just like you noted, yelling shuts a person down. While yelling scares children which is never a good idea either I might add, it tends to make a grown person defensive in preparation for battle. It’s destructive, hurtful and hinders you in achieving your goal which is to resolve an issue and re-establish harmony. When scolding, I find that it is far better to actually lower your voice below its normal range, speak with authority, carefully and uncompromisingly picking and placing your words while looking her straight in the eye. That gets her attention and focus far better than shouting.”
If at any time during your conversation with her or during the scolding, she says something mean, hurtful, spiteful, etc. you should tell her that in addition to the already prescribed spanking, that you will give her “X” amount of extra swats for each infraction. It is alright during the conversation for her to disagree with a point that you have made and respectfully state her point of view, however, it is your decision to make concerning how to address it as well as what will be required of her in the future in the form of accountability to correct it. When the discussion is over, she is to submit and obey you concerning the accountability as well as the correction allowing you to lead her throughout the process.”
“Then you should firmly spank your wife, after which you need to hold her close providing loving after care. When I say “firmly”, I mean that it must hurt enough that she wishes to do better to avoid future corrective spankings and she should shed a few tears to release her guilt by feeling that she has paid the price for her actions. Now if she is being defiant, or you are led to believe that you really need to send a strong message, you should spank her soundly and not stop until at least a good 20 swats or so more after she has stopped struggling and surrendered to sobbing.”
If it doesn’t have to be a breaking spanking to get the job done, you should inform her that you expect her to hold reasonably still, accept what she has earned and that she is to cry out all of her guilt and shame. While this is the time that my wife needs questioning, lecturing and some scolding the most, for most wives, no more lecturing or scolding are necessary. If the conversation went well, she has already heard and understands. Besides, at this time she’s more likely than not in any position to listen attentively as all that is on her mind is that she’s about to get her rump roasted. Then begin. The spanking must fit the crime and should be measured against the level of shame and guilt that she is feeling. Remember that the spanking is for her accountability and for her to release her guilt and shame. I only give a certain amount of swats for a small list of offenses such as cussing which earns one swat with a heavy paddle per curse word.
My wife is allowed to sob and plead for the spanking to end; however, she is not allowed to demand that the spanking stop. If she does, without stopping or slowing down, I increase the force of the spanks while informing her that stopping is my decision and that her defiance will make me now spank harder as well as longer. She is not allowed to display rebellion either in her actions or words. She is to remain respectful and accepting of her correction. If she becomes angry and fights the correction or mouths off at me, I spank her through it until she is again submitting willingly. If a husband fails to do this, a wife may remain angry and out of sorts for quite some time after the spanking has ended which may very well lead to another spanking later. If the spanking must be a breaking one for her own good, just like I said earlier, hold her down and spank her until she stops struggling and goes limp across your leg while she is sobbing. Then give her several more swats before stopping the spanking. When you believe that you have corrected her sufficiently, comfort your wife by speaking lovingly to her telling her things such as “it’s over honey, it’s all over” while rubbing both her back and bottom, but keep her in position.
A Woman’s Role
Hebrews 13:17 “Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.”
Strive to obey your husbands by doing your best to stay within the boundaries that they put in place for your own good and allow them to lead. Find the security, comfort and peace that the protection of those boundaries provides for you. Strive to never defy their authority and willingly accept correction when you do. Strive to show your husbands respect. When answering them if you will call them “Sir”, it reminds you both of your roles and shows him that you respect both him as well as his authority. Honesty is another form of respect. Always strive to be honest with your husbands even when you know that it will result in your receiving a spanking.
Whenever you feel weak or tempted to usurp your husband’s authority or break the boundaries that he put in place for your as well as the marriage and the family’s own good, call upon the Name of the Lord to pull you away from the temptation. When you do give in to the temptation and sin, confess and accept the consequences for it. One thing that I can surely tell you ladies is that a spanking after you are convicted by the Holy Spirit and confess a sin is far lighter than a spanking after you get caught and had time to confess but chose not to!”
Most [Christian women] are looking for a man. They desire someone that they can respect and trust, who will always keep them safe, support them, love and cherish them, and mentor them to help them stay on track. They are looking for a hero to be their champion like a knight in shining armor. Someone they can be proud to be referred to as being “his wife.”
A Man’s Role
Christian men, as God commanded of man, as a husband, you are to be the head of your household. You, not your wife, shall be held accountable by God for the condition of your household. I’m not just talking about judgment day. God will correct you in this life. You will lose out on Blessings here on earth such as happiness and growth of yourself and your family members. If you are not doing your job as leader correctly, your entire household will suffer and it can lead to divorce dividing your family. As head of the household, you must always put the best interests of your family first. What you want for yourself personally must always be secondary to what is best for your family. This will bring you enormous amounts of pride, satisfaction, and joy. When it comes to desires, you should always put your wife’s first. If on Saturday afternoon, you want to go to the lake and your wife wants to go to the show, go to the show! Give her the best afternoon that you can and thoroughly enjoy the experience yourself. That way, she will not feel guilty about you missing out on going to the lake. She will greatly appreciate this and should immediately make plans for the two of you to go to the lake at another time where she will put her all into making that a wonderful day also. Always remember, romance does not end with “I do”. She will always deserve flowers, help around the house, a chance to catch a nap when the kids or other responsibilities have run her short on sleep, a night out with the girls, a romantic dinner in her favorite restaurant, a hug, a tease, a tickle, to hear how much you love her, how proud you are of her and praise/ encouragement for all of her endeavors. Never, ever stop wooing and winning your wife! Never take her for granted or insult her and immediately apologize and correct the problem if you do.
Christian husbands, your wives have been commanded by God to submit to you and your authority. Does this give a husband the “God Given Right” to mistreat his wife? Absolutely not!
Husbands, if you place your faith and trust in God’s Will and His word, it shall be much easier for a Christian woman to submit to your leadership. Remember, it is not about controlling your wife. It’s about leading her and your family. Your wife’s submission as commanded in Ephesians 5:22 “Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” is fulfillment of Scripture and a Precious Gift to you that she is trusting you to love, cherish, honor, protect, and never abuse. When you both do your part, your joint prayers will not be hindered and you will grow stronger in the Lord as one person.
A husband using corrective discipline to help his wife and marriage is in fact doing so by working for God Himself by being a good steward. If we husbands fail to be a good steward, God will correct us. That is our deterrent to not do what we know isn’t right concerning what God has given us authority over just as the corrective discipline that we use with our wives is their deterrent not to do what they know isn’t right as well.